I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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