Sorry, I don't speak sober.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
