She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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