I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
