I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize