My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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