Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Randomize