Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
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