My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
