I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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