Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
