How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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