just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It's never too late to be topless.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
