Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
