My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize