I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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