I'm lost and stupid without you.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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