The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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