It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
