I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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