i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize