Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
