wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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