Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
