we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
