He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
