dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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