her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
