I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
