I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
