Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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