If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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