I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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