so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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