Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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