you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
