So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
