bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize