I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
