20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize