ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
