Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
