Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
