apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
