i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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