I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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