I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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