i was rollin on her like bob the builder
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
