did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
