Can i not drive my cunt home
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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