you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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