so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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