im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
