I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
