took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
