Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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