I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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