And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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